What Price DD?

How important is your DD lifestyle? More important than your relationship with your spouse?

I ask this because of a recent experience in our DD forum. One of our members has a strong need to live a DD lifestyle, but her husband, despite his best efforts, just can’t bring himself to make the change from a “vanilla” life. He can’t provide the structure and the discipline that she craves.

As if this wasn’t enough for them to deal with, they have also had to deal with her brain injury which is life threatening.

Unwilling to settle for a “vanilla” life with a loving husband, this woman sought out and found, a man outside of her marriage to provide the structure and the discipline that she craved. She did this secretly, behind the back of the man she had promised to Love, Honor, and Cherish.

She rationalized her behavior to the rest of the forum members by saying that she loved her husband and had no intention of leaving him. She said there was no emotional attachment to this man she refers to as her “mentor”. She viewed him as something of a cross between a close friend and a care provider.

Our forum members split into two camps.

The first group accepted her explanation, and felt that as long as she wasn’t sexually or emotionally involved with her “mentor”, and loved her husband, there was nothing wrong in seeking what she needed outside of her marriage, even if it meant she had to hide it from her husband.

The second group was aghast at her behavior. They found it unconscionable that she would go behind her husbands back. Given the intimate nature of a DD relationship, baring your bottom for discipline, they felt it was tantamount to having an affair. They chided her for not being honest with her husband.

After seven months of seeing her “mentor”, this woman decided to come clean with her husband. She told him everything. She told him of her need for the structure and discipline of a DD relationship and how much it was helping her in her life and in coping with her medical condition. She assured him that there was no romantic or sexual relationship with her “mentor”, and told him that if he had any misgivings she would stop seeing him.

Purportedly, after laying all of her secrets on the table, and assuring her husband that she had no interest in a relationship with her “mentor”, her husband forgave her indiscretion and told her that she could continue to see her “mentor”. Allegedly, he even went so far as to tell her that she was welcome to bring her “mentor” into their home.

Many of our forum members accepted her confession, and her husband’s acquiescence, as a fitting and enlightened ending to an unfortunate situation. They congratulated her for confessing her transgressions and applauded her husband’s magnanimity.

I, on the other hand, saw things a bit differently.

I believe she told her husband for purely selfish reasons. She felt guilty for lying and needed to be forgiven. Her husband certainly didn’t benefit from her confession. It hurt him. In fact, it put him in a very untenable position. He was faced with accepting her lie and forgiving her, or being outraged and angry with his dying wife.

What a horrible thing to do to the man that you love.

So I ask again, what price DD?

An Ounce Of Prevention

If you spend very much time reading about DD, eventually you will come across the topic of preventative discipline. The concept, like many in DD, seems at first glance, counterintuitive. The practice involves applying discipline, not as a consequence of misbehavior, but as a deterrent to prevent unacceptable behavior. It is applied prior to an important or stressful event as a reminder to the sub to be mindful of the rules governing their behavior.

My wife and I have been talking about the potential benefits of this type of discipline for some time. But until recently, we hadn’t given it a try.

This year we decided to host our family by having Thanksgiving at our house. While my wife is a great cook and a wonderful hostess, we don’t entertain often, and the prospect of preparing and serving Thanksgiving Dinner grew increasingly daunting as the day grew nearer. The day before Thanksgiving, my wife came to me and asked for a preventative spanking, explaining that she was feeling a lot of stress and that she thought it would help her cope with the following day.

So, that night I took her over my lap and administered a light spanking with a switch. As I spanked her, I quietly told her how I expected her to behave the following day, and what the consequences would be if she didn’t. I also told her how much I appreciated all of the work she had put into the meal, and told her how confident I was in her ability to get through the day without a hitch.

When I had finished, she seemed oddly calm, as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. The knowledge that I would be paying extra attention to her behavior, ready to step in if need be, seemed to be reassuring to her.

I noticed that I also felt a sense of peace. By laying out my expectations, and defining the consequences for misbehavior, I felt relaxed and confident, certain that I was prepared to face the day, and give her the structure she needed.

It was such a positive experience, that I plan to use it whenever we’re faced with stressful events in the future, and I urge others to consider it as well.

More Alike Than I Realized

Well after an evening of uncertainty and self recrimination, I received some responses from my fellows in the forum.

The crux of my self doubt stemmed from a recent incident with my wife. Our disagreement boiled down to my perception that her recent attitude and behavior had been disrespectful, and her rather forceful argument that I was over reacting and being way too sensitive.

What you need to understand is that my wife is a consummate debater and can be incredibly persuasive. So, while she ultimately accepted and received a punishment, she also succeeded in sewing the seeds of doubt in my mind, leaving me to question my actions.

After reading the comments from the forum, however, I believe that was exactly what she had in mind. The consensus was that her arguments were probably just a last-ditch attempt to get out of a punishment, and, that I needed to remind her that her submission to me, as Head of Household, means accepting my decisions, whether she agrees with them or not. Given my propensity for self doubt, I need to remind myself of this second point as well.

I may not be “hard-wired” for my role, but with a little support from those who are, I believe I can make this work.

Lonely at the “Top”

Apparently, when my mother was filling out the order form for her bouncing baby boy (that would be me), she forgot to check the boxes for the “Assertiveness” and “Decisiveness” genes.

Consequently, these are two of my weaker character traits. This means that, as the head of household, every action I take and decision I make, requires diligent concentration and deliberate thought. My role and responsibilities as hoh don’t flow organically from my personality.

In most situations, my actions and decisions are simple and straightforward. We have several rules with defined consequences. She breaks a rule, she gets the consequence. My role is, to a certain extent, choreographed for me. With predefined actions and dialog.

But in some situations, my responsibility and my authority are less well defined. In those situations, I start second guessing my decisions and questioning my judgment. I desperately want someone objective to offer some guidance and tell me whether I was right, or whether I was wrong. But who can I turn to, who can I confide in?

I could certainly post a question in the forum I belong to. There are a number of men in the forum who would be only too willing to offer advice. My problem is that although I share the same role as these men, I have a difficult time relating to them. Most seem hardwired for this lifestyle, with an abundance of the “Assertiveness” and “Decisiveness” genes. Many also have very different goals and relationships with their wives, than I have with mine. Consequently, I have been reluctant to post.

But I’ve grown weary of being the lone horseman, tilting at windmills. So tonight, for better or worse, I plan to ask for advice.

Whether or not I get the answer I want, hopefully I’ll begin to feel less alone, and will begin to draw strength from others in the “community”.

Stay tuned………

From Vanilla to DD, and how it could benefit our communities

Without having been led to this lifestyle by my wife, I would have never known it existed.

I was raised in a conventional home by a very strong woman, and also came of age in the seventies during the height of the women's liberation movement.

My parents, and the community at large, all seemed to endorse the concept of equality in marriage, with the man and woman sharing responsibilities for running the household and raising the kids.

These are the same attitudes I brought into our marriage, which made it very difficult for me to accept, let alone embrace, a dd lifestyle. The concept that I should, "be in charge" while my wife would submit to my decisions, seemed foreign and unfair.

However, the longer we work on this lifestyle, the more value I see in it, not just for us, but for society at large. As a friend pointed out, all organizations, great and small, need a strong leader in order to be successful.

I don't think our community is ready or willing to take the time to understand this lifestyle. Too many would be put off by the concept of discipline, consensual or otherwise. And if they were honest with themselves, I suspect that far too many more would be put off by the amount of work and the acceptance of responsibility required by this type of lifestyle (for both the hoh and the sub).

It's a shame.

I think the self-discipline and personal responsibility inherent in a dd lifestyle would benefit our society greatly. Too often in the news we hear of people who have abdicated their responsibilities, to their children, their family and their fellow citizens. They blame inadequate school systems, bad government, etc.

How much better would our society be if everyone stepped up and took responsibility for their lives and their relationships.

Perhaps someday.........

More Thoughts on Consistency

There have been instances where I have chosen not to discipline, and each and every time I have regretted it.

Consistency is very, very important to my wife. In her mind, not getting punished for something, that she knows she has done, leaves her thinking that I am not commited to our lifestyle. She's left feeling lost, and thinking that she's not important enough to me to be worth the effort.

The irony is that I'm absolutely crazy about her, and would never knowingly hurt her.

It seems to me that one of the most important keys to success, in a dd relationship, is for a couple to sit down and carefully consider exactly what rules and punishments best fit their needs. And then, to follow through on these plans as diligently as they can.

That's what I strive for.
Stay tuned.

The DD Dichotomy

There are many ways that couples display their love and affection for one another. There are simple acts; walking hand in hand, opening a door, a gentle touch in passing. And there is the more traditional, like sending a dozen roses to the one you love.

In a DD relationship, however, certain acts of love would not only be counterintuitive, they would be downright baffling to the public at large.

Physical acts of discipline, spankings, are an integral part of most DD relationships. But, while they certainly serve as a punishment, and as such, an unwelcome experience, they also serve a deeper and more important purpose.

In a DD relationship a spanking also serves as an act of love. It’s a concrete way to demonstrate to the submissive member of the relationship that they matter to the dominant partner. By holding them accountable, they gain a sense of security, knowing that there are boundaries to their behavior, and that someone is looking out for them.

There is even a physical benefit to the spanking. The spanking breaks down all of the emotional barriers the “sub” has built, and allows them to purge themselves of the pain, anger and frustration they may be feeling. Holding them close after the spanking, kissing them, caressing them, and telling them how much they are loved, needed and appreciated, refills their “emotional reservoirs” with positive, self affirming emotions.

In some instances, the experience can be as intimate, perhaps more, than sex.

The DD dichotomy. Up is down, left is right, black is white, and two people who love each other very much wouldn’t have it any other way.